What is my expectation in life? To be great? To be wise? To be loved by others? To be like Christ? Why am I here? Why did God create me and put me here in this time and at this place? These are questions I have considered in my life but not from a holistic perspective. If you ask me, “What is your expectation?” then I will reply, “About what? My education? My career? My social life? My spiritual life?” I grew up thinking about my life as divided into separate segments that added up to make the whole. When I was young, there was school, play, activities, church and family. As I grew up, I added some new segments and deleted some old ones, but they remained separate and distinct. At any one moment in time I could focus on one segment while ignoring the others, at times casting those so far into the depths of my consciousness that they almost ceased to exist. My perspective concerning my “flesh” and “spirit” was similar, and many times throughout my life I have focused on one without any regard for the other. I am quite practiced in the art of compartmentalization; consequently, the prospect of sacrificing this self-preserving worldview at the foot of the cross is more than a little daunting. Can I trust Jesus to make a whole person out of the fragmented pieces of my heart?
My worldview has taught me to love God but not to put God first in my life. I have “compartmentalized” God into a neat little box that I can take out on Sundays when I go to church or dust off when tragedy strikes and I feel a desperate need to feel that He is near. My little “God box” is nice and neat and intellectual. I give Him his “due” at church on Sundays and trust Him to be there for me when life gets out of control. Growing up, I prayed in church, before meals and at bedtime but was never taught how to dialogue with God. Prayer was something formal and somewhat intimidating, and I sought the “right words” and conjured up what I believed to be the proper level of piousness and sobriety in order to send up my dutiful petitions to the Lord. If all else failed, I whispered the Lord’s Prayer and felt relieved that I was “covered”.
I have “believed in God” and “believed Jesus died for my sins” since I was a young child. But what has that “belief” translated into? I have a comfort that I am not going to hell. I have a faith that there is indeed a God who created the world and everything in it, including me. But I have lived the majority of my life primarily in the flesh, with only a tiny sliver of myself concerned with spiritual matters. Jesus said, “Let not your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me.” (John 14:1, RSV) I “believed” in Jesus, yet I carried a heart full of troubles. Perhaps I believed in my mind but not in my heart. My mind acknowledged that Jesus is Lord while my heart chased after all kinds of fleshly adventures in its quest to fulfill the deep yearnings created by God for Himself.
I have come to realize that God created within us a longing that can only be fulfilled by Him. After years of searching met only by frustration, I am starting to hear the voice of my Lord calling out to me, inviting me into a deep and intimate relationship with Him. My heart rejoices with dancing and tears of joy as I anticipate the warm embrace of my Father, who has been waiting patiently for me to return home from my prodigal journey.
But how does one become intimate with the One who created us? I have wanted a deep, intimate relationship with Jesus for a long time, but the mechanisms of daily devotions and routine prayers have worked only to increase my desire while leaving me wondering if I am ever going to experience the closeness of Jesus that others seem to have found. Ah, perhaps I must take God out of the “God box” I created for Him and allow Him to permeate and fill my entire being with His Holy Spirit! My mind and heart must agree that my expectation in life is to become like Christ! God’s perspective of my life must become my perspective so that I can see His purpose for me as He reveals it to me. I must drop the rope in the tug-of-war I initiated with God long ago and run over to His side, embracing the freedom and ease of allowing Him to direct my steps.
If “the heart of the matter is a matter of heart”, then I must lift up my heart and surrender the whole of it to Jesus. But what is the state of my heart? Is it pure, like the heart of Jesus Christ? Definitely not. Is it even close, or have years and years of fleshly living and half-hearted repentance resulted in thick layers of caked-on mud that have surrounded my heart and hardened into a fortified wall standing between me and God? The wall exists, I’m ashamed to admit. And it’s thick. And dirty. The job of removing those layers of caked on mud is difficult, and often painful. It hurts when God reminds me of past deeds of which I have not repented, and the memories can trigger weeping and anguish. The process of historical repentance is long and exhausting. But, oh, the joy of repentance! What freedom and peace result when God’s forgiveness gushes over my soul! What mercy…what grace. The removal of a layer. And then another. How I anticipate the moment when my heart is cleansed of the caked-on walls and is available to receive the full measure of Jesus’ love and all that He has in store for me! How I long for this intimacy with my Savior! I await the time when I can reach out to Jesus for His daily rinsing of my heart…the memory of the thick mud wall somewhere in the distant past. Jesus said, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” (Mt 5:8) How I long for the day that I shall see God!
I believe prayer is the key to intimacy with God. Oh, how I want to have an ongoing conversation with my Lord! But changing years of poor habits is going to require discipline…and time. Meditation is a new practice for me. I have certainly heard of meditation throughout my life, but I’ve never been still enough to practice it. Nor have I known how! The mere practice of being still and focusing on the Lord is a discipline that I will strive to master. I am finding, however, that this is easier said than done. My mind is so busy! “Be still!” I tell it. But it is unwieldy and scattered. “I love you, Lord,” I say repeatedly. But I find that to practice this even for ten minutes is difficult for me. I have to “swat” away the intruding thoughts…why can’t they leave me alone? Competing, fleeting thoughts have had their way with me for a lifetime – so perseverance is going to be key. I will have to change my priorities and my habits, and I will have to learn how to exercise to increase my concentration and endurance. The practice of my faith must become foundational in my life. “I want to be like Christ.” Oh, God, how I long to be like Christ!
